Armageddon 03: The Suburban Book of the Dead: The Remake (1987) by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin
Format: epub
Published: 1987-03-18T16:00:00+00:00

Seven

• And Elvis was dead put out that Pharaoh should have stitched him up. And he did curl his lip and cry out to his many fans saying, “Forget the pyramids, we’re out of here!”

The Suburban Book of the Dead

Rex pushed back the sick-bespattered television and wiped his mouth on the bed sheet. His hands were shaking and his head swam. He needed a glass of something, and not gin. Water, perhaps? The room didn’t boast a wash basin amongst its other lacks of attraction and so Rex sought out the house phone. It lay beneath the bed. Disconnected. There had to be a bathroom somewhere, surely. Rex took himself off to hunt for it. He padded softly down the corridor; he had no wish to disturb any of the broken-hearted lovers at such a late hour. Rex paused at the head of the staircase. Hushed, yet urgent voices reached his ear. He crept down a few steps and peeped between the banisters. The bell hop and the desk clerk were jabbering in low tones to a pair of tall, dark and dangerous-looking types. Rex craned forward to overhear the conversation.

“That’s why I called you,” whispered the fat-lipped desk clerk.

“He represented himself as a Repo Man, but he’s no LCP…”

“And he’s not the chap off the telly,” the bell hop put in. “The chap off the telly was just on the telly a few minutes ago.”

“And he punched my lights out,” the desk clerk com plained.

“Not the chap off the telly, that is…”

“Heretic,” muttered the bell hop.

“Deviant and subversive. No doubt about it.” One of the dark and dangerous-looking types spoke. The voice was deadpan, metallic. More a phonemic broadcast than real speech. It was the voice of a machine.

“You have acted promptly and with correctness, citizen. We will deal with the matter now. Please vacate the premises and take cover from the blast.”

“The blast?” The desk clerk flapped his hands.

“No. Wait…”

“We must explode the entire building. Eliminate any possible source of contamination.”

“But destroy the whole hotel? Isn’t that being some what over-zealous?” The second dangerous-looking type spoke with the first.

“Perhaps these two have already become contaminated. Better they remain here and die.” The desk clerk now took to wringing his hands.

“No sirs, please. We’re not contaminated. We called you, didn’t we?”

“Then leave at once.”

“But our livelihoods?”

“You will be allocated new parts. There are always vacancies at street level. As you will be both homeless and unemployed you will be perfectly qualified. Present yourselves here tomorrow at ten. An official from the Department of Human Resources will be waiting.” The desk clerk gnawed on his knuckles.

“The other guests, then? You can’t kill them all. That goes against the prime directive of Management Services. Waste not, want not.”

“Remain where you are,” ordered dark and dangerous number one.

“We will cogitate upon this matter.” A long minute passed. The bell hop chewed his handkerchief and the desk clerk hopped from one foot to the other. Rex hovered in anticipation. The two enigmatic visitors remained still as dummies.

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